Taking time to engage in important conversations before marriage is the best way to ensure that you and your partner are on the same page. It’s a chance to air out any dirty laundry, express any fears or vulnerabilities, and give your marriage a solid foundation for many years of wedded bliss.
Asking the right questions will also uncover whether you and your partner have the same expectations when it comes to marriage. There have been many instances where a couple gets married, only to have it end in heartbreak or divorce. From one partner wanting to have a family when the other doesn’t, to religious differences and conflicting long-term goals or interests. Such ‘dealbreakers’ could be avoided by asking these big questions prior to getting married.
Bringing up important conversations can be uncomfortable, but it’s necessary for the health of your relationship. Below are the top 10 conversations any couple should have before getting married. You can read them together with your partner, and be open to having an honest, heartfelt discussion that will provide more insight into the person you’ll be spending the rest of your life with.
Table of Contents
“What is your relationship with money? How do you handle finances and manage debt?”
There’s nothing less romantic than talking about finances. But it’s one valuable conversation to have with your spouse!
Things you should discuss include:
- How important money is to them
- Do they budget?
- Are they a spender or a saver?
- Will you have a joint bank account or separate accounts – or both?
- Who will take on house, food and living expenses? Will it be shared?
- Do either of you prefer to be the breadwinner?
“Do you want to have kids?”
A lot of couples go into marriage with the expectation of having a family. However, circumstances and choices can change over time. Before getting married, make sure that you ask your partner his/her view on children and if it’s something they want. If so, ask them how many, if they prefer a boy or girl, the values they wish to instill in their kids, and what type of role they will play as a parent.
If your partner says they aren’t planning on having kids, ask them if it’s something they might reconsider down the track? And what are their reasons for not wanting kids? From there, you can get a better idea of whether or not your partner is aligned with your wants and desires.
“How important is sex to you?”
Sex is an integral and healthy part of any relationship. Yes, the conversation of sex may be uncomfortable, but it’s oh so necessary. Many relationships die or become stagnant because of differences in the bedroom. From frequency to positions and discussing sexual fantasies, all these topics should be approached to gauge you and your partner’s expectations for when in the bedroom.
“What are your career goals?”
Does your partner have any career aspirations? Will their line of work mean having to relocate to a different city, state or country? How important is their job? If your partner is a workaholic then it’s best to find out now before the time comes when you find yourself eating most of your dinners alone while they’re tied up at the office.
“Do you believe in prenups?”
Obviously no one gets married with the expectation of getting a divorce later on. However, these difficult conversations need to be held in the event that you do end up divorcing. One topic to approach includes prenuptial agreements. A prenup can protect your assets from being lost to the departing party including kids, pets and property. Without a prenup, you’d likely need to split everything down the middle. Is that something you’re okay with if you were to break up?
“What is your definition of cheating?”
‘Cheating’ can mean different things to different people. You may view your partner texting other women as cheating while your partner may believe cheating involves an extramarital affair in the form of sex. Ask your partner what cheating is to them, and what they will not accept or tolerate when it comes to your interactions wit the opposite sex.
“What is the role of religion in your life?”
Is your partner religious? What role does their religion or faith play in their lives? If you aren’t religious, how will you negotiate this when you’re married? Will you be willing to convert to your partner’s religion? Are you open to attending church or learning about your partner’s faith?
“What is your ultimate goal in life?”
If your partner could have or be anything, what would it be? Discussing each other’s goals is a good way to see whether your life plans are compatible and whether you’ll have to sacrifice your time or money to help support the other’s dreams.
“What is your view on traditional gender roles?”
An often over missed conversation topic is that of housework/chores. Traditional gender roles have established that the woman or wife is the one who does all the cooking and cleaning at home. Is this something you and your partner support? Or are you willing to share chores and divide your housework? Talk about your expectations when it comes to basic household chores, and establish who will do what and why. You can also revisit this topic when your work/life situation changes.
“What is something you aren’t willing to compromise on?”
It’s crucial to talk about your non-negotiables in a relationship. We can be willing to put up with our partner’s messiness or always forgetting to take out the rubbish, but what about things we absolutely cannot compromise on? Before getting married, establish your non-negotiables with your partner. This can even include things like littering, playing violent video games, swearing, or a partner who doesn’t show you affection when you need it. Having this discussion will ensure that you maintain respect and integrity in your relationship.
Make some time to sit with your partner and have these conversations prior to getting married. Doing so will allow your relationship to expand, and can make your bond even stronger. It may also help you to decipher whether marriage is a good decision or not. You can choose to space your conversations apart, as asking all of them at once can be overwhelming. You and your partner also deserve time for thoughtful reflection and response. You may choose some or all of these questions, and it may even inspire you to come up with your own.
